unjusttreatment – Melanie Stevenson

June 8, 2020

Church Hurt – Sorrow Over Unjust Treatment Part 3 (The Journey Journals Excerpt #6)

God gave us free will. Often, we see this used for acts of kindness, selflessness, and love. Other times we are horrified to the degree some have used it to inflict harm.

The reason for this post is not to discuss the plethora of ways we hurt and sin against one another, but specifically how that hurt can happen within the church. I don’t come to speak about this difficult topic lightly but was encouraged to do so in light of this being an experience many have endured but few speak about.

First, I need to say that I was profoundly hurt within the church. I only divulge this to impart that I have some measure of understanding. More on that later, but if you have been hurt by someone within the church, I am incredibly sorry. I can affirm that it is painfully difficult to heal from and forgive this kind of harm.

I want to be clear that I do not broach this topic to cause division or stir up strife. Neither can I pretend that a single blog can repair the harm done to you by what you may have experienced within the church. It is, however, my desire that it provide a small measure of understanding, solidarity, or healing.

A 2010 Barna Group poll indicates that 4 out of 10 people no longer attend church due to a negative experience with the church or from church people. Church abuse or mistreatment can occur in a number of forms. It can trickle down from leaders who are operating from a place of insecurity or out of a desire to control their adherents. It may infiltrate others who need to feel important or remain part of an inner group. This can blind or silence participants or bystanders to call out wrongdoing.

We have all heard heartbreaking and sickening stories of hurtful behavior or abuse exacted on others at the hands of those who attend church or leaders within the church. This behavior should not be overlooked and should be called out.

Unfortunately, there can be great resistance when you step into the calling out. Sadly, those who have caused harm but have power and wish to keep it, aren’t comfortable when asked to face or be accountable for their misbehavior. This is not the example demonstrated in the Bible.

In our situation, despite our repeated efforts to reconcile with leadership, and as a result of their unwillingness to recognize their sinful part in what occurred, we made the difficult decision to leave the church.

The greatest displays of anger we see in Jesus were directed toward the religious leaders who were busy rule-keepers upholding the law with misdirected hearts. Believing that they were superior, they were ruffled by Jesus calling them out. So much so they wanted him killed.

The religious leaders would not stoop to associate with “rabble”. They were jealous of Jesus’s popularity with the masses and loathed his propensity to associate with the marginalized. And who did he think he was forgiving their sins? Jesus exposed the leaders’ counterfeit faith and their backward theology.

Here is a portion of the strong language Jesus used to describe some religious leaders: “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean.” (Matthew 23:27)

I mentioned earlier that God gave us free will. The trouble with free will is that God often suffers the blame for the sins of mankind, including the egregious behavior some have experienced within the church or at the hands of its leaders. In such cases, God may be seen as endorsing the abuse or that the leadership is representing God’s perspective, but in truth, both the behavior and the resulting separation it may cause grieves God’s heart.

Jesus described the behavior some experience from religious leaders this way: “They crush people with unbearable religious demands and never lift a finger to ease the burden.” Matthew 23:4

There are times when a leader may believe they are acting righteously and that their actions align with God’s will or word, but their behavior reflects blatant sin enacted against you. The pain and resulting dislocation of faith can be deeply painful and confusing.

I don’t wish to linger on the harmful actions or abuse but what can happen in the aftermath of such harm. Out of the intense pain of the experience suffered at the hands of people, especially those in authority/leadership, we can misdirect the hurt we endured. There are 3 reactions I have witnessed:

Retreat. We decide that if that’s how people in the church behave, we want nothing to do with it. We may still believe in God but decide we will no longer attend church.
Reject. Based on the mistreatment, we broadly ascribe that behavior to God painting him with the same brush as those who harmed us. We run from God and our faith.
Reason. We mistakenly believe we somehow deserved the mistreatment and that God must feel likewise.

As if the hurt wasn’t devastating, damaging, and bewildering enough, these responses can further dismantle our faith.

What makes this even more grievous is that often God shoulders the blame for the sins humans commit.

In my own experience, I needed to understand that despite the devastating mistreatment and resulting pain, this was not God’s heart in the matter. The treatment I received was not a reflection of how God felt about me, nor would he have treated me in the manner I experienced within the walls of the church. I know beyond a doubt that the Pharisaical treatment poured out on me grieved his heart, and although the resulting pain could have undone my faith, I recovered by the truth of God’s love, by relearning how he behaves toward me, through the love and care of other Christ-followers, and forgiveness.

The main thing is, whatever you suffered isn’t a reflection of God’s posture toward you. God doesn’t mistreat his children. His heart is for you and he loves you. You are precious to him. What you suffered at the hands of people grieves him. Like a dear friend who is deeply saddened when you move far away, God desires you to be near to him again. Perhaps even more so when we are hurting, God longs to gather us closely to Him so that He can heal our hurts.

The God you may have run away from as a result of this painful experience is the very One who is able to heal you. In my experience, God is the one who can provide us with the strength to forgive those who hurt us and to move beyond this deep pain.

We understand that “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” (Romans 3:23) and that includes ourselves and those within the church. We mustn’t allow the sin of people, or our own sin, to cloud God’s true and perfect character and dictate how we relate to him, or others, going forward. God always forgives and always loves. “He will never leave you or forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6) He weeps with you in your pain and understands it through his own suffering.

God is able to redeem everything—even the hurt you experienced. He can help you to heal and move forward in freedom and forgiveness. Get to know his heart toward you anew, and understand that following God is not following a religion, a religious leader, or religious rule-keeping, it’s following Jesus and letting Him transform you into his likeness.

My family and I have since found a church where we feel safe and loved. God has redeemed that experience and allowed us to fully appreciate this church family and its leaders. There are many church leaders who love God and seek to lead like Jesus—the Good Shepherd—with great tenderness, humility, and grace, but however gracious they may be, they are a shadow of the graciousness of God.

I encourage you, don’t give up on God or the church. There is still much love, joy, and beauty to be found within the church, in relationship with others, and with God.

Click here to watch this week’s chat about church hurt.

Excerpt from my prayer journal:

April 29, 2016

Lord, I see many evidences of how great your care and love is for us, how intricately you have been involved, and have met our needs, yet I find I need more. There is still the nagging doubt attached to the sorrow that lingers in my thought life. Still the insecurity that came with the treatment we received at the hands of the church leaders. It is ready condemnation, whispering that you are displeased, distant, and that I am on the outskirts of your affection. It seems to keep me stuck. I exist aware of your goodness and care, but not saturated by the assurance or confidence a child might have in the tender love and care of her father. Do I lack trust, faith, love? Probably. I’m just not sure what to do with… is it shame? Rejection? So I’m partly closed off; a protection mechanism, I suppose.

So I ask you to repair what is so broken within my spirit, soul, heart, mind, and even body. Make a way so that I can be renewed to love and be loved, not just exist, to get by one weary day after the next. Pull me out of the pit, push back the enemy.

“But You, O LORD, are a shield for me, my glory and the One who lifts up my head. I cried to the LORD with my voice, and He heard me from the holy hill.” (Psalm 3:3-4)

Click here for more on how to forgive and recover from hurt: 7 Steps to Forgiveness.

June 1, 2020June 1, 2020

The Journey Journals Excerpt #5: Sorrow From Unjust Treatment – Part Two (7 Steps to Forgiveness)

“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” ~ C.S Lewis

Last week, we looked at some reasons people hurt others and how we can choose to respond. In my Instagram post, I asked you to imagine your hurt as an anchor. That anchor is attached to a rope and that rope is tied to you. Everywhere you go, you drag that heavy anchor around. Its weight is depleting and exhausting.

Now imagine what it would feel like to cut that rope. How free would you feel?

Forgiveness is the scissors that cut the rope and set you free.

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The bitterness that settles in as a result of unforgiveness may seem innocuous, but I’ve experienced it as an insidious poison that chokes out love. The side-effects of bitterness— hatred and anger—affects us, our responses to situations, and all those in our proximity.

We might think that by hanging onto an offense we claw back control and hurt the offender. In truth, the only one we continue to harm is ourselves by repeating the cycle in our mind and heart.

When we forgive and “cut the rope”, our offender’s actions lose its power over us and we break the harmful pattern of reliving the event in our thought life. We are now freed from that repeated cycle of hurt and the person who caused it.

Forgiving doesn’t mean that you forget the offense, it means you choose to offer undeserved favor. It means you go against your natural bent to stay bitter and choose God’s way.

Remarkably, Jesus told us to, “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.” (Luke 6:27-28) In doing so, we not only echo God’s treatment toward us, but this behavior sets us free.

Here is a powerful and sobering reason to forgive. Jesus says, “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” (Matthew 6:14-15)

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God forgave us everything. Can we not, with his help, do the same?

How will we know if we have forgiven an offense? We’ll know the work is complete when we can think of the person who hurt us without being triggered. We’ll know it’s a finished work when we can pray for them and even bless them. Forgiveness may take time, God’s help, a concerted effort, counseling, and much prayer, but it is possible.

Forgiveness does not mean remaining in harm’s way or repeatedly enduring mistreatment or abuse. We may never see our offender again, and it may not be wise to do so, but we can forgive all the same.

Forgiveness is God’s upside-down way to peace and freedom. It’s the same unmerited forgiveness and freedom purchased for us on the cross and the forgiveness he asks us to extend to others. In doing so we become “children of the Most High.”

It is my belief that we are closest to the heart of God when we forgive.

As a helpful tool, I have included 7 Steps to Forgiveness below. If you would like to be lead through these steps, click here to watch the 7 Steps to Forgiveness video.

7 Steps to Forgiveness:

Make a list of all the people you have never forgiven.
Choose one person on that list to forgive.
Repent by asking God to forgive you for holding onto this offense and bitterness.
Ask God to help you forgive.
FORGIVE.
Forgive again—as many times as needed. This maintains our freedom! We can forgive but we don’t forget. The memory of the offense may return. It doesn’t mean we haven’t forgiven, but at that moment we can choose what happens next. We can stay in peace and adjust the former way of stewing about or reacting to the offense. Here, we change our thinking. Instead of rehashing it or falling back into the habit of bitter thinking, we choose to take our thoughts captive or forgive again if needed.
Bless them. This completes the cycle. If I can wish my offender well and pray for them, I know I have forgiven them.

After you have completed these steps, do the same for the next person on your list until you have forgiven each person. You may need to ask a friend to pray with you through this process. I’ve also included a video here to help you through this process.

If you are having trouble forgiving, you may need to separate the person from the sin. They are not what they did to you. You may also need to first forgive yourself or God to free up yourself to forgive others.

Join me next week as I tackle the difficult topic of church hurt.

Much peace and freedom in your forgiveness journey. xo

The Journal Journey Excerpt #5 Click here to watch this week’s video

March 16, 2017

Lord,

I have felt disrespected and disregarded, and have been struggling to not grow bitter.

This morning I read how even as Jesus hung on the cross he said forgive them for they don’t know what they are doing. Being reminded of that was massive, it also helps remind me that they don’t know what they are doing either. But it is so easy for me to feel hurt due to the repeated behavior. You know I’m not great at forgiveness and have a tendency toward bitterness, so please help me to do what I know you would have me do: forgive.

This verse is a good reminder right now: “Walk worthy of the calling to which you were called, with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love, endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” ~ Ephesians 4:1-3

Amen

May 25, 2020

The Journey Journals Excerpt #4: Sorrow From Unjust Treatment – Part One

They say hurting people hurt people. I’ve seen this to be true in my own life. Maybe you have too. We have all experienced unjust treatment in some form or another. Sometimes we are the recipient of that dump truck of muck and sometimes we pile it on others.

Some of the behavior we experience at the hands of another is disarming, some is mildly hurtful, while other acts against us are profoundly difficult or damaging.

woman-smiling — Visit instagram @melaniestevensonauthor to hear me share how I am learning to overcome the pain of unjust treatment.

For the next three weeks, as I continue the Journal Journeys with excerpts from my prayer journals, I want to take a look at how we can heal from hurt inflicted by others.

There is a myriad of reasons why one may suffer mistreatment. People may hurt others in response to their own insecurities or feelings of worthlessness. Some belittle or humiliate others to feel better about themselves. Some may hurt others in a desire to be accepted by a group or to please a crowd.

Conversely, some are imbued with self-righteousness that feeds the lie that they are superior to everyone else and therefore fit to mete out judgment. Some may hurt others out of a fear losing their position of power or authority and may manipulate them due to their need to maintain control.

Some neglect or harm others due to deep-rooted bitterness and hatred that is rotting their capacity to love. Anger, often a fear response, can cause one to lash out with harsh words and harmful behavior.

Others suffer from entitlement, ignorance, or greed. Still, others struggle amid their own inner pain or mental health issues, or have themselves been mistreated and are repeating the cycle.

We can be hurt by assumptions that aren’t based on fact, or when others believe lies or judge us based on gossip or appearances. We ourselves may be harmed by being over-sensitive, assuming a victim mentality, or failing to set clear boundaries.

There is no shortage of ways we can experience hurt at the hands of another. Our natural response to mistreatment may be to recoil in pain or shut out others for fear of further hurt. We may experience feelings of shame, worthlessness, disillusionment, anger, loss, grief, or fear. We may hurt back or grow bitter, but Jesus says something astonishing which goes against our natural impulses…

He tells us to forgive.

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If anyone experienced unjust treatment it was Jesus. He understands mistreatment because he endured it in every form. Even as he hung on the cross he said of those who crucified him, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” (Luke 23:34)

Even though the degree to which we suffer mistreatment may vary from person to person, the way in which we overcome it does not. If we want freedom from the pain inflicted by another, we must forgive. The idea is simple, the act is difficult, but the result is profound.

Here are the incredulous words Jesus used to instruct us how to treat those who harm us:

“…Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.” (Luke 6:27-28)

When I am mistreated by someone I try to remind myself that their behavior has more to say about their character than it does of mine. I also tell myself that the manner in which I respond to this treatment provides insight into my own character. Whether I stay in peace or are triggered can also act as a signal to let me know if there is work to be done.

It is natural to feel sorrow over unjust treatment and can be an indication that we are being sinned against. We may not forget the offense, but we are instructed to forgive. In fact, our freedom depends on it. Forgive and be free

Are you struggling to forgive someone? Next week, I’ll look at some steps we can take in the forgiveness process. How can we forgive? How can we know when we’ve completely forgiven someone? How can we be free of bitterness?

Until then, I’ll leave you with this entry from my prayer journal. This entry was written during a time when I was suffering mistreatment from a person who I was working with on a particular project. I’ll let you know the outcome of our relationship next week. Suffice to say there was work to be done and I struggled hard to forgive.

Click here to hear me read the excerpt from my prayer journal on this topic and share how I am learning to forgive.

Prayer Journal Excerpt #4: Sorrow From Unjust Treatment

November 7, 2016

Lord,

I need wisdom. Please help me in this situation. Please lead me as I feel like there is a struggle there and I ask you to provide insight. Please also help me to not worry about how I might be treated. Let me not get angry or bitter. Sorry that I already have. Please forgive and restore me.

Thank you for showing me that I have a pattern of taking offense. I know I can be sensitive, but I don’t want to be easily hurt or let myself feel slighted. Could you please work with me in this area so that I am stronger in my thought life when it comes to these things?

Amen.